Jingle all the way . . . TO HELL!!!

Damn! I totally forgot what I was going to write again. Agh!

Fine, brain. Have it your way. I'm just gonna sit here and type until you get your lazy ass in gear and remember what it is we were going to talk about.

Like that's going to happen.

Oh! Wait!

So, Jinglebells. I have to say that the genre of Christmas music is one of the ones that I revile the most. Some songs are catchy. Some have more genuine depth, but most are simply bubbly tunes from decades ago that get done and redone, arranged, cut, mangled and parodied for commercials. All in all, if I have to hear another rendition of "Silver Bells" ("Hark how the bells . . ." not " . . . It's Christmastime in the city") twisted to sell one more gadget or donut or whatever, I will throw up and die. Although I do kind of like the GPS tracker commercial that has the moose.

"There's that moose again!" bwahahaha!!

But getting back to the point: No one knows more than one verse of "Jingle Bells." We hear this song everywhere: supermarkets, in the car, in the mall, even most restaurants . . . Why has no one ever bothered with the later verses? It's true they're archaic and almost unnecessary (putting forth more or less the same sentiment and being somewhat more general), but it shocks me how something can be so important to us and simultaneously so very trivial. We all have memories of singing this song with friends and family, but who even knew there were multiple verses?

But who cares! It's just a stupid Christmas song! It's a shame no one's gone to the wikipedia article and pasted the missing verses on this blog . . .

A day or two ago

I thought I'd take a ride

And soon Miss Fanny Bright

Was seated by my side,

The horse was lean and lank

Misfortune seemed his lot

He got into a drifted bank

And then we got upsot!

Now the ground is white

Go it while you're young,

Take the girls tonight

and sing this sleighing song;

Just get a bob tailed bay

Two forty as his speed

Hitch him to an open sleigh

And crack! you'll take the lead.

Apparently, "upsot" can also mean hammered. Upsot is a great word.

Anyway, the next time you're forced through another round of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," Think of a drunken Miss Fanny Bright lying in a snowdrift with an unlucky horse and a lusty young man.

My Christmas gift to you.

I SWEAR TO GOD LADY, WE DON'T HAVE ANY WIIS

So. You may be looking for a wii this christmas. Well, forget it. Just give up and die. Give up, die, dig your own grave, shovel dirt over yourself, pat it all nice and forget about it.

1. There aren't very many. I don't know why. Nintendo decided that they wanted to see people fight to the death across America. Possibly with spears.

2. SO MANY PEOPLE are looking for them. I get asked 100 times a day. 100 times! I counted. I have the same conversation every time:

"Do you have any wiis?" (No.) "Do you know when you'll be getting any aforementioned wiis?" (oh, don't you wish) "Don't you have a list I can get on?"(Absolutely not, but if I did, there would be 2316 people ahead of you - do you mind waiting?) "Can't you hold a wii for me when you get one and call me up on my private cell phone to tell me so you can hold one for hours while rabid soccer moms chew on your flesh and rend your uniform while you hold the wii aloft, mere inches from their clutching grasp?" (letmethinkaboutitNO.)

I sympathize. I really do. In the end, we're all just people - you who desperately want a wii for your child, your grandma, your dying hamster - I don't know - And I who must endure a battery of repetitive and indignant questioning while still trying to remain civil and compassionate. I wish I could sell them, I really do, but we just. don't. have any.

And so, gentle and ungentle customers, we are at an impasse. I sit behind the fortress of my less desireable items - my PS3 portcullis with 360 crenellations - armed only with courtesy. And yet . . . You approach me and my ilk full of righteous consumerism, cash in hand, a simple requst falling from your lips. Wiis. That's all you really want, and all I really don't have.

Thank you for the Banana

I was all set up to write in my new blog. I was really happy that I'd have the chance to rant and rave and hem and haw about anything I desired, but wouldn't you know it, I can't think of a thing.

OOOH OOH NO WAIT!!

Okay - here goes:

Once, when I was in college, I was sitting at a table, eating a banana. A thought appeared in my head. It wasn't a thought so much as an image, really. A line of people in banana suits performed the can-can on the stage of my mind. As they kicked and turned, they sang a song.

"Thank you for the Banana," They said.

This sort of thing happens often. Unbidden thoughts and images come to my mind. Sometimes funny, sometimes . . .

Here, I will share them with you. Maybe you'll find them funny, maybe not. But if you do, I hope you occaisionally envision a dancing line of well-dressed people that sing (in perfect and melodious harmony) "Thank you for reading this blog."